Good heavens, Colleen, here it is August and you are whiter than Casper the Friendly Ghost. Don't they have self tanning lotion in Port Charles drugstores? Mind you, I live in San Diego where it is sunny 75% of the time (really), so it's not all that hard to get a tan. Walking to your mailbox, or your car after grocery shopping, or having a latte outside at Starbucks at lunch gets you a deep, dark, tan, like it or not. So maybe it rains a lot in Port Charles, although I haven't noticed anyone coming into the hospital drenched in awhile. Oh wait, those downpours only happen when someone accidentally locks themselves on the hospital roof. Colleen is so completely pasty white, I can only assume she has been trapped inside the dark hallways of Wyndemere since April and hasn't seen an ounce of sunlight. And on her one and only chance to get some rays, Emily comes busting in and foils her evil plan to get a tan-line. Curses!

Nanny McFreak creeps me out. I have a friend who thinks she is cute, and it troubles me deeply that he finds her appealing because she is Eeevil. No one in Port Charles has figured out yet that Colleen is one of Helena's minions. As you may recall, Helena loathed Emily from the start, so if Nanny McFreak teams up with Granny of the Damned to do her in, this time I'll bet they won't push the wrong chick off the cliffs. Emily stopped by in the latest lame matchmaking scheme by Alfred to retrieve her cell phone, which he cleverly hid under a sofa cushion. When Nikolas called her phone, there was a horrifying ring tone, which sounded to me like the Hokey Pokey sung by the Barking Dogs or something. Being the Big Geek I am, have special ring tones for each of my friends. I know Ms. Q has more loot than I do so - Hey Em! Download something fun and stop being so cheap and using free ringtones! She could download the Adams Family theme song for Helena and maybe I Go to Extremes by Billy Joel for Sonny and Do You Remember the Time for Jason and Bad Girls for Carly and I Don't See You Anymore for Monica. Just a thought.

Another thought that I can't shake is this - Just how sick IS Felicia's Grandma Mariah? Felicia has been in Texas caring for her in her frail state intermittently for round about 20 years now. Put the woman in a home and come mentor your daughters, Felicia. Maxie has become drug pushing, husband stealing, pill popping, enabling Ho, and Georgie is just a weepy mess most of the time. I'm guessing it isn't a good idea for a chick with a bad heart to be taking drugs...These girls need a Mom even though they are technically adults. Isn't it time to bring Kristina Wagner back?

Then again, they brought back Robert, Anna, Holly, and Noah, and we barely see them. I mean, if you went to all the trouble to bring them back to the canvas, why not actually USE them in a storyline? I could use a break from Alexis making up bogus reasons to arrest Jason and Sonny yelling at Max to buy him more booze. C'mon, writers, mix it up a little bit - you brought back your beloved veterans with great fanfare, so now let us see them in action.

I can't be too harsh on the writers this week, because they have done some very tender storytelling with the AIDS surgery and Patrick's possible infection. Patrick's first HIV test came back negative, but the scare isn't over. He has to be re-tested in 6 months, and will be continuing his anti-viral drugs for the time being. The conversations Robin and Patrick have had with 'end stage AIDS' patient April have been insightful and moving. The character of April is bringing a face to AIDS - we often hear the stats and numbers, but we don't always get to see the faces behind the numbers and that is when it actually sinks in to us, when those impersonal numbers turn into actual people in our heads. As Patrick has been listening outside doorways with tenderness in his gaze, it appears he may be softening; he may actually be ready to admit that he's falling in love with Robin for real. But will his next test bring, and how will it affect them? We won't know until at least Christmas. A clean bill of health would be a great thing for Patrick to find in his stocking, now wouldn't it?

Lulu on the other hand may be finding maternity clothes in her stocking as there is a possibility that she is pregnant with Dillon's child. Wow. She was a virgin last week, and now she may be on the road to motherhood. Didn't they use a condom? Apparently not. Lulu was startled that Maxi was uncharacteristically nice and understanding to her about sleeping with Dillon. This is because Lulu doesn't know Maxie is banging her married brother. Yikes. Lulu can't worry about Lucky's marriage right now, she has her own troubles. She could be pregnant, and she could have Sage germs! Mind you, I realize revisionist history reads that poor misunderstood Sage was a victim of the other mean teens. But, in truth, before her sad, sad, diary was discovered after her death, she was a conniving shrew the whole time she was in Port Charles. Like Lulu, Sage was trying to break up Dillon and Georgie, but unlike Lulu, Sage wasn't someone we liked so it was easy to judge her more harshly.

Edward didn't get a chance to judge Lucky for making out with Maxi-Ho and running the cop car into his Bentley, as Lucky made up some lame excuse and Edward bought it. With Lucky being a cop and a hero and all, why would Edward doubt him? I have to say, it bugs me on GH that all the cops are corrupt, or buffoons, or drug addicts, while the criminals are all portrayed as really great guys who are just misunderstood. View askew, for certain. As blue as Jason's eyes are, and as deep as those dreamy dimples of Sonny's - they are still killers. As drugged out and angry as Lucky is being written, he is supposed to be a good guy. Damn, he was better off when Helena brainwashed him. And don't even get me started on Lorenzo. He was working so hard to turn into a good guy, but alas, got sucked back in by Diego whom he only found out was his son last year. I would have let Diego go back to jail, personally.

The saddest lesson I have learned this year is that no matter how much you love someone, no matter how much you want to save them, no matter how many times you put your heart on the line or bleed your soul dry to rescue them - you can't. They have to save themselves. Diego has to want to change. And he doesn't want to change, which is evidenced by the fact he keeps doing the same stupid self-destructive things over and over again. So Lorenzo is throwing away his life trying to save a son who seems to take pleasure in being an idiot and doesn't want anything better for himself. Until the pain of staying the same becomes greater than the pain of changing, Diego isn't going to straighten up. Let go Lorenzo. Leave Diego to his own devices and get your own life in order so you can be a good dad to the baby on the way and be a good partner to Skye.

Speaking of being a good partner, Alexis's calling Ric in to her office to accuse him of random crap every day can't be good for their marriage. And her accusing Sam of stealing files can't be good for the Mother/Daughter bonding, and now, to top it off, she's got the Whooping Cough or some other hacking cough disease. With Patrick understandably preoccupied by his AIDS scare, and Noah wandering around the hospital corridors seemingly just looking for an excuse to fall off the wagon and ruin his new liver, and Robin spending her whole work day wandering around on the pier arguing with her parents or visiting with people in the corridors of the hospital, I think it may take awhile before Alexis gets a decent diagnosis.

Now that Sonny dumped Emily and she has moved back home to the Q mansion, (to Edward's great glee, may I add) perhaps she will pay more attention to her classes and actually finish med school. Then SHE will be able to diagnose patients someday. Oddly enough, now that she and Sonny have broken up, Carly has finally given Emily a little credit for helping Sonny get help for his bi-polar disorder. Sonny is full of himself and was taunting Carly, saying she will always hate any woman he is with due to jealousy. Well, sure, there may be a little truth to that, I mean, really, which one of us likes to feel we can be replaced? But I think Carly is in a healthier place now and she would be able to accept anyone is Sonny's life who was good for him. The reason Carly opposed Sonny's relationships with Emily so much is that she knew it would cause a riff between Jason and Sonny. She'd already been through a round of that when Jason fell for Courtney and the tables were turned. She also didn't think Emily was strong enough to deal with Sonny during a breakdown. Carly was right about it causing a riff between Sonny and Jason, the fight that ensued nearly ended their long and near perfect friendship. But she was wrong about Emily. Emily was stronger than Carly realized, in fact, Emily was stronger than she realized herself. This pairing was a catalyst for change in both of their lives and on that level, it succeeded. But as to hot sizzling chemistry? None. Nada. Zip. Zilch. Zero. I am not mourning the breakup of that very un-super couple. My only problem here is I can't decide who can be Sonny's new babe. I want Emily and Nikolas to reunite, and I really like Jax and Carly, and that leaves Sonny without a woman. That simply cannot be. Although, there are rumors that Alexis and Sonny may rekindle their old friendship, so maybe there are still some sparks left in that fire?

There are still sparks in the Jason and Sam fire...that is until Ric and Sam give into temptation and comfort one another in that carnal Sexual Healing sort of way. That may be a hard one for Jason to forgive, he detests Ric. He may not bring himself to be able to touch Sam after she gets Ric germs on her.

What will happen tomorrow, dear readers? Will the doctors give Alexis some Robitussin and Hydrocodone and send her on her way? Will Liz still have Cam's baby clothes to pass down to Lulu when she finds herself pregnant with Dillon Jr.? Will any of Port Charles finest ever bust in on one of those mob meetings where all the men are sitting around polishing their illegal firearms? Will Robert and Anna bond over parenting strategies and have Hot Old Spy sex? Will Sam shop for some new transparent pajamas for the cool Fall weather coming next month? Will Nanny McFreak arrange for Alfred to get trampled by Sheba in the stables?

Only tomorrow knows, dear readers, and I will tune in tomorrow as long as there are tomorrows.

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